


Unfit

by 6point28



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Kidfic, M/M, Modern AU, Pre Relationship, Technically?, but lbr there's no way enjolras would be able to handle that at all., e and r are babysitting..., fun fact i almost named marius and grantaire's kid napoleon, marius and autocorrect will never cease to be hilarious tho, marius and grantaire are somehow good friends i guess, marius does not know how to use a phone, they probably bonded over pining at one point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:28:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5852278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/6point28/pseuds/6point28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marius, to Grantaire: I need a falsified evidence.<br/>Marius: *Frozen yogurt<br/>Marius: *Frogs<br/>Marius: *FAVOR<br/>Marius: I NEED A FAVOR</p><p>In which that favor is babysitting and Cosette makes Enjolras check in on R to make sure he doesn't wreck too much havoc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unfit

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first attempt at writing Les Mis fic in about three years, go easy on me okay?  
> Kind of beta-ed by Ray (laurenshamilton on twitter). Thanks dude.

_ Marius, to Grantaire _ : I need a falsified evidence.

_ Marius _ : *Frozen yogurt

_ Marius _ : *Frogs

_ Marius _ : *FAVOR

_ Marius _ : I NEED A FAVOR

  
  


Grantaire liked a lot of things. Art, for one. Cat photos. Sleeping.

However, there were even more things he didn’t. And topping that list? Babies.

Once kids started talking, they were pretty cool, or at least Eponine’s brother– the only kid he’d had any experience talking to, really, at all– was awesome. But  _ babies _ ? What did people even do with them?

“Here’s some breast milk, here’s his blanket, here are his favorite books…” Cosette blabbed as Marius handed Grantaire a tote bag stained in what R really hoped wasn’t baby vomit. “We’ll be back to pick him up at eleven… babe, am I forgetting anything?”

Marius shook his head.

“You forgot to give me the baby,” Grantaire remarked.

Cosette rolled her eyes. “I was  _ getting there _ .” She lifted the baby out of the sling in her chest and daintily handed him to Grantaire. “Bye bye, Jean! Be a good boy!”

“I don’t think he can understand you.”

Cosette shot R a look so intense he almost dropped the baby.

  
  


For real, what was one to do with a baby?

Grantaire sat at his kitchen table, baby in lap, drinking a beer and watching Netflix– who cares if Jean couldn’t understand Parks and Recreation, it was still a great show– when the doorbell rang for the second time that night. “Damn overprotective parents,” he grumbled, expecting for it to be Marius and Cosette again.

“Apollo.” If the baby wasn’t sitting back at the kitchen table, he  _ definitely _ would have dropped it.

“Cosette told me to check up on you,” Enjolras explained.

“What, she doesn’t trust me with her kid?”

“Obviously, no.”

R didn’t feel like admitting she had reason to.

“Are you going to invite me in?”

A speechless Grantaire nodded and just opened the door wider for Enjolras.

“Are you sure you should be drinking with Jean?” Enjolras asks, examining Grantaire’s baby/beer/Netflix setup.

“Relax, I’m not sharing it with him.” Hopefully the mention of the phase  _ not sharing _ wouldn’t set Enjolras off on one of his usual anti-establishment rants. R had to deal with a baby, there wasn't much more he could handle.

Enjolras pulled out a chair, sat down, and took his laptop out of his bag.

“Dude, what are you doing?” 

“I have some work to finish up.”

Of  _ course _ Enjolras had work to finish up. You didn't become one of the city’s biggest civil rights lawyers without working nonstop and not paying any attention, at all, to your friends. (When Enjolras first passed the bar, everyone had made an attempt to keep him in the loop with plans and the like. Just months later, an Enjolras spotting was incredibly rare. He became some sort of mythical creature who only emerged from lawyer land for Marius and Cosette’s wedding, or an occasional holiday party.)

“And you're doing it here?”

“I need to make sure you don't poison Jean or set the apartment on fire.”

“Because I’m  _ that _ irresponsible, right?”

Enjolras sighed. “Jean’s already here; how about you don't fight with him over who gets to be the most childish tonight?”

Sometimes Grantaire wondered why he liked Enjolras.

Ignoring him, R picked Jean back up, sat down, and continued to watch his episode.

  
  


“I'm going to order a pizza,” Still bouncing Jean in his lap, Grantaire closed his laptop. Leslie Knope had just saved Pawnee for the umpteenth time, and there were only so many idealistic blonds R could take.

“Sounds good,” Enjolras said without even looking up from his laptop.

_ Well if that’s how it’s going to be _ .

“What's so important about this case, anyway?”

Enjolras (finally) looked up and glared. “Are you trying to imply that all my cases aren't important?”

The intensity of which it was said almost makes Grantaire giggle.

“Your first one was a bit ridiculous.”

Enjolras’s first case was infamous among his friends. He was fighting for the rights of a student with peanut allergies who wasn't allowed to participate in a science lab, and was instead banished to the school library to write a paper.

“Don't be a  _ nut _ , keep your peanuts out of public schools. Rights for those with allergies! No extra paper writing for them!” Grantaire chanted, which prompted Enjolras to smile.

“Almost all of my cases are important.”

“I think what's really important here is how that case made it to court.”

Enjolras chuckles. “It paved the way for kids with allergies everywhere.”

Right,  _ this _ was why Grantaire liked him.

  
  


“Pineapple?” Enjolras wrinkled his nose.

“It's the best kind of pizza there is,” Grantaire said, overly defensive. “And you should be thankful; I didn't get Hawaiian. No ham, right?”

“No meat, period.”

Grantaire seriously didn't understand how Enjolras lived. Or all vegetarians, for that matter.

“Are you really not going to eat this? Come on, after I sacrificed all I did–”

“–which was just eating processed chemicals–”

“–after  _ all I sacrificed _ , you’re not even going to try the most delicious thing known to mankind?”

Enjolras shook his head. “I don’t understand why you would put more fruit than necessary on a pizza.”

“One, tomatos are a fruit,” Grantaire said, completely outraged, “two, what about  _ rights for all fruits _ or some other bullshit cause that I’m sure you’ve campaigned for?”

For once, Grantaire actually made Enjolras speechless. He celebrated by picking up a piece of the pie, folding it, and shoving it straight into his mouth.

“Look at how good this tastes.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Enjolras scowled, but still poked at a piece anyway.

“Do you like it? Do you like it?  _ Do you like it _ ?”

Enjolras just shrugged. “Not as bad as I was expecting.”

“Ha!” R shouted. “I totally just won the case for fruit everywhere. Bam. Lawyered.”

“That’s my thing,” Enjolras smiled.

“Not anymore.”

“So you’re going to work on this case for me, then?”

“Sure. What’s it about?”

Enjolras pointed his laptop in Grantaire’s direction.

“Yeah, I can’t say I understand all the legal-ese.”

Enjolras sighed. “I’m arguing on behalf of a gay couple who can’t get their kid enrolled in this private school.”

“Sounds like one shitty private school that they shouldn’t be sending their kid to,” Grantaire reasoned, taking another piece of pizza and accidentally dropping a flying piece of pineapple on Jean’s head. “Whoops.”

“And  _ this _ is why people think we’re unfit for children.”

“Sorry for giving every queer person in the world a bad reputation,” Grantaire snarked.

Enjolras sighed again. (Come to think of it, whenever he was around R, there was a lot of sighing involved.) “But you see why this is so important, right?”

“Yeah, it directly affects you, blah blah blah, all that crap.”

“And you!” Enjolras said.

“Uh, not really. Can’t say I ever want kids, remember?” Grantaire cupped his hands around Jean’s ears for that part. “Sorry Jean, you’re great, but not really.”

“Neither do I–”

“Oh thank god, the last thing we need is a bunch of little Enjolrae running around.”

“Enjolrae?” Enjolras cocked an eyebrow up.

“Yeah, a little army of tiny blond children. Enjolrae.”

Enjolras had to laugh at that.

“Kids are overrated,” R said. “Everyone’s freaking out finding someone to have them with, which is  _ ridiculous _ , because it’s not like people needed anymore motivation to not be single. I mean, I’m single. I’m fine.”  _ Slightly untrue _ . “I get to wear socks and Birkenstocks around, and no one’s there to judge.” 

“What’s wrong with socks and Birkenstocks?” Enjolras asked, completely clueless.  _ Of course _ he would be into that look. Of course.

“Oh, Eponine just keeps making fun of me, saying that I’m trying a bit too hard to actively remain single.” She’s not wrong.

“They look comfortable, it’s not  _ her _ decision what you wear–”

Uh oh, Grantaire was sure Enjolras could go off for hours on this.

“All I’m saying is, I don’t want kids.”

Enjolras nodded, not really sure how to respond to that.

Grantaire shrugged, trying to make the awkward silence less awkward, and grabbed another slice of pizza.

 

“Do you know what time Marius and Cosette are coming back?” Enjolras asked,  _ finally  _ closing his laptop.

“No idea. Hey Jean, what are your parents doing?” Grantaire asked to the baby.

“He doesn’t know.” Enjolras sighed. “I’m finally finished with this brief, though.”

“What? You are? Holy shit, that’s so amazing. Someone call the press. Let’s have a party, we can get you a ‘congrats on finishing the brief’ cake–”

“R,” Enjolras said, sternly, yet still looking like he’s holding back a smile.

“It’s just a big deal, that’s all. I don’t think you understand what a momentous occasion you stopping work is to the rest of us mortals.”

“I suppose it doesn’t happen very often.”

“ _ Now _ you get it,” Grantaire grinned. “I think I have a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer, this is definitely the right time to break it out.” That is, if he hadn’t eaten it already in one of his pining over Enjolras sessions.

“So are you opposed to relationships because you’re opposed to kids, or…?” Enjolras asked once he had a bowl of Mint Chocolate Cookie in his hands.

“Huh?”

“Just making conversation.”

“Oh.” Grantaire said, taking a spoonful of ice cream. “I’m not opposed to relationships or anything, I just don’t like babies.”

“Careful, you might offend Jean.”

“Only you would protest for the rights of infants,” Grantaire laughed.

“But hypothetically, you would want to be seeing someone?” Enjolras questioned.

“As long as they don’t make fun of my footwear choices,” R joked. “What, is this a weird way of asking me out or something?”

Enjolras looked up from his ice cream. “All I’m saying is that if you were looking for someone to  _ not _ have kids with, I’m available.”

It was at that moment when Jean decided to spit up all over everything.

 

 

_ Grantaire, to Marius _ : dude come get ur kid

_ Grantaire _ : he ruined a moment

_ Grantaire _ : i think??

**Author's Note:**

> Enjolras's first court case is definitely inspired by a physics lab from my school, although I haven't heard of anyone being sued about it. Yet.  
> Also, Grantaire's (amazing) choice to wear socks and Birkenstocks: also definitely inspired by something I do.


End file.
